Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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