if i can run in heels then i can drive
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
