when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
