Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
