There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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