Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there was a trapeze. enough said
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
