oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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