I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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