i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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