I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
