ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
