he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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