Where did you get a picture of my penis
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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