Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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