Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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