I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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