Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
