just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
