just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
