Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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