he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
