For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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