Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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