Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
