i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
