Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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