You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
