i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
