We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
