I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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