just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
