he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
