just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
