I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
