I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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