I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
