Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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