She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
