That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
