I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I need a burrito and a hug.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't put those talents on a resume
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
