I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sext me about skeletons
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
