I murdered the dance floor call the cops
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
