hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
