nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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