Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Randomize
