oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I need moral support for this bender
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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