just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize