can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
