dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A+ Viking dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
