too bad you live with your parents still
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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