He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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