You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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