im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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